By Blue Rose on Monday, 31 of August , 2009 at 2:00 pm
Enough is enough
Insecurity is the one thing in common between the abuser and the abused. Abuse in an intimate relationship is an assertion of dominance by someone, who believes in the necessity of using violence, by whatever means, to censure, punish or discipline… it is a type of power tripping exerted by the male to establish superiority over the female. Eventually, the girl will come to believe that it’s her fault that’s he is being beaten.
There was a student who was also a model and her boyfriend was very jealous. “He slashed her thighs with a box-cutter so she would stop wearing miniskirts, which her boyfriend disapproved of because other guys were looking at her legs.” The girl wanted to kill herself when she confessed to her best friend, the girl broke down and admitted that it wasn’t the first time her boyfriend hurt her. “He had even set her hair on fire with lighter fluid while accusing her of being a “slut” and “prostitute” because he saw some pictures of her in Boracay with several guys he didn’t recognize.” Yet, for over a year, she put up with hid dehumanizing treatment because he threatened her with greater harm if she left him. It took the slashing incident for her to finally say, “enough is enough” and call it quits.
A new study confirms that females who have been battered are more likely to suffer from chronic depression, catch stress related illnesses, attempt suicide, and be subjected to forced sexual relations than those who were only verbally abused or emotionally neglected by their parents. Usually while the girl is being bashed and kicked, there is an accompanying barrage of cursing and disparaging criticism guys who hurt their girlfriends are often described as manipulative, jealous and domineering, which s psychologically damaging.
Danger zone
Though there are a lot of factors that may cause someone to be abusive (or be the abused), such as a history of family abuse, the influence of friends, the wrong values promoted by mass media, and living in a “macho” (and sometimes chauvinistic) society, these usually don’t completely explain it. Likewise, there is no sure way of telling whether your beloved boyfriend is a possible abuser and when he will strike, although there are danger signs that should put you on your guard.
Estella, 16, didn’t wait around for it to happen. “During a heated argument, my then-boyfriend shouted curses at me, then picked up a chair and smashed it against the wall. I got terrified. That same night, I decided to break up with him for good.” If you feel that he might (physically) hurt you, leave the relationship at once. You should learn how to trust your instinct (the little voice in your head, telling that “No, this isn’t right anymore”) or else you will find yourself like Estella.
Some young decent man says, “We don’t need to hit our girlfriends to make them behave, because just harsh, intimidation and bad words are enough,” hah! Is that so? Some of the girlfriends also say, “The infliction of pain on them, as long as it’s not overly physical is seen as a sign or proof that their boyfriends love them.”
I am shocked that some girls regard it as normal, albeit unpleasant, fact of life. The Coalition Against trafficking in Women-Asia-Pacific (CATW-AP), teaches the adolescent boys that females are not to be treated as commodities, but as human beings who are their co-equals. Meanwhile the girls must be encouraged to develop, at an early age, strong self-esteem that is based on their capabilities and character, rather than relying on what others – especially males – think about how they should behave. Girls, don’t be so stupid and naïve when it comes to love, think of it for so many times, when you think your boy has the capabilities of doing the abusive things, “better be off; than be knocked off”…OK!
By Blue Rose on Sunday, 30 of August , 2009 at 6:05 am
Love is often associated wit broken hearts. But the darker side also reveals cuts, bruises and broken lives. These are real stories of abusive boyfriends and how Filipina woman were able to break away from the violence.
It started with hard hand squeezes, with is nails digging into her skin. Anne, 21, says that her ex-boyfriend, Mark, did that whenever she said something he didn’t like, even if she did it in a very nice way. Soon, Anne’s fingers and palms were full of small, but painful wounds and bruises. She’d cover up her boyfriend’s abuse by saying that the scratches were made by her pet cat. However, not all were convinced by her act. “We had a feeling that something was wrong when Anne became sullen and withdrawn,” relates Michelle, one of Anne’s friends. “She didn’t hang out with our friends like before. Medyo nagagalit nga kami dati kasi pakiramdam namin e kinukontrol siya ni Mark; he was over possessive.” (We were a bit angry before because we felt that Mark was controlling her; he was over-possessive.) However, no one in their group asked Anne whether Mark was abusing her. “We don’t like to get in their lives, because they may think nakiki-extra kami,” Discloses Michelle, though she quickly adds that she now wished she did.
The abuse became more severe when Anne, upon finding out that Mark cheated on her, confronted him. Mark suddenly grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. “I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t breathe,” recalls Anne, tearfully. It was obvious from her demeanor during the interview that she hadn’t fully recovered from the trauma, which happened nearly two years ago. Mark only released her when another student heard her frantic cries and rushed into the classroom to help her. Though she initially considered filling charges against Mark with their campus disciplinary office, she decided not to because she didn’t wan to make the incident public. Today, though they have both graduated from college, Anne is still distressed. “I don’t want to see Mark again, or be reminded of him because I always remember what he did to me. I am so bitter that he made me emotional cripple. I now have a hard time trusting others – what more get into a new relationship.”
The Stigma of the Abused
According to the Philippine Republic Act Number 9262, or “An Act Defining Violence Against Women and Their Children” (VAWC) includes girlfriend abuse in its definition of “Violence against Women,” which refers to “Any act or a series of acts committed by any person has or had a sexual or dating relationship, which result in or is likely to result in physical, sexual, psychological harm or suffering, or economic abuse, including threats of such acts, battery, assault, coercion, harassment or arbitrary deprivation of liberty.”
According to Amparita Sta.Maria, a lawyer and the director for the Women’s Desk of the Ateneo Human Rights center and a professor of Gender and the Law in the same school, even though the VACW is a recently implemented legal remedy, she concedes that cases are very much underreported. “Disempowerment of women is widespread,” she laments. “In a conservative patriarchal culture like ours, abuse in the context of a relationship is still deemed by many to be a private matter or a domestic issue. Those who are informed of the abuse, and even some authorities, may dissuade a woman from pushing through with her complaint. A victim may also choose to remain anonymous for fear that her abuser will get back at her.”
“There are several reasons why girlfriends who have been abused by their partners are reluctant to speak out,” theorizes Dr. John Sanchez, a psychiatrist who specializes in juvenile development. “Among them is the stigma attached to it although it may be true that the victim often has a dependent, needy type of personality, many girls understandably do not want to be branded as such because insensitive people might pre-judge them, saying na sinasaktan sila kasi pinapayagan nila and sarili nilang abusuhin (they are being abused because they are letting themselves to be abused). The blame is shifted to them when in the first place, violence should never be inflicted upon anybody, whatever her personality.” 
Did u learn something girls? Well if you do, then I think it’s time to change the abusive part. But it’s not trough yet, I still have part two of the story, read more and learn more, catch up for the next post.
You’re comments and suggestions are gratefully accepted.
