The 29 year old, who works as an au pair in a Danish family, says she has to babysit for the family and can’t make it.
Carstensen met her at the beach last week, when the woman contacted her to ask for help.

The woman said, she had worked for three weeks without a day off. Her workdays stretch from early morning to late evening, and she has no time off in the middle of the day either.

This is against the regulations for au pairs in Denmark, in which the young women are only allowed to work for five hours a day, six days a week, unless they get economical compensation.

Carstensen is used to hearing these kinds of stories. Every Sunday, she attends mass at the Pentecostal Church on Drejevej at Nørrebro, where she councils aupairs from the Philippines. Carstensen herself came to Denmark fromthe Philippines as a child in 1986, because her mother had married aDanish man. She speaks perfect Danish, English and two Philippinedialects.

One of the very first au pairs she spoke to, told her thatshe worked 24-7 and had never had a day off. She outlined some of herduties, which included polishing windows on the second floor of abuilding and cleaning the gutter.

Carstensen realized that the womanwas being abused, and wrote to the Danish Immigration Service.

She never heard back. She says that many au pairs have children at home, but decide not to tell their host families. Carstensen insists oncalling them “au pair-women” instead of the popular Danish term ”aupair-girls”.

http://avisen.dk/au-pair-worker-fights-the-abuse_129842.aspx

It’s my friends birthday party, she lives in Goteborg, Sweden. She turned 29. We met in Nordstan, she’s the first Filipina I met here in Sweden and same as her. We became friends.

I was very busy also that day, preparing and cooking the food I will bring to the party,I cooked Beef Steak Tagalog, because she said most of the food are Filipino dishes.

When we arrived the guest are there, Filipina’s with thier Swedish husbands, it’s the first time I meet all of them,because most of the time Guia(the celebrant) just tell me about them. All of them are Peter’s(Guia’s husband)co-workers in a Hospital.

The celebrant made a short Swedish speech and then we eat. There’s alot of food, adobo, pansit, grilled and fried chicken,grilled pork, my beef steak, spring rolls, cakes, cookies and pastries, and alot of drinks.

Eating, chatting, and drinking, we had fun. Then we started to drink, we opened the Heavy Water Vodka, it’s very smooth to drink, you will not feel anything when you drink it. The fun and laughter started, heat up by Heavy Water Vodka, the celebrant started to dance in the music from my cellphone. She’s so funny, she always shout, “shot, shot the Water, hapy birthday to me”.

It was great party, we are the last to go home, because we help them clean up the mess,hehehe,she was so thankful and happy, it’s her first time to celebrate birthday in a foreign country.

We all had a great time!

http://heavywater.no

However, some Filipina au pairs wrongly believe that sleeping with a Danish man means that he wants to marry her.

“They come from a culture where the norm is that if they sleep with someone, they have found a husband who wants to provide for them,” says Hans Henrik Lund, who is the leader of the Churches’ Integration Services (KIT).

The Need of Abortion
The desire to marry a Danish man can have dramatic consequences for Filipina au pairs in Denmark. These women are overrepresented in the statistics of late abortions in Denmark.

The organization has contact with most of the Filipina au pairs in Denmark – including many who want to know where they can get an abortion.

If they get pregnant when they are still unmarried, they feel that they have no other choice than to get an abortion. If not, they can be deported and risk a life without any stability in the Philippines.

”The women cannot understand the idea that the man doesn’t want anything to do with them – or the baby,” Hans Henrik Lund says.

Late Abortion Known
The Filipina women often have late abortions – that is when the fetus is aborted after the 12th week of pregnancy, which is normally the limit in Denmark.

The latest numbers from the Abortion Council in the area around Copenhagen show that one out of 20 women who had a late abortion was from the Philippines.

In June alone, the Abortion Council approved of three late abortions for Filipina women. This is approximately 10 percent of the 30 approvals that were given that month.

Security or Deportation
Social worker Mette Lise Petersen from the Abortion Council in Copenhagen is the one who talks to the women who apply for late abortions.

”There is a group of young Filipina women who have very little knowledge of birth control. They hide their pregnancies from their host families because they know that if they have a baby, their contacts will be cancelled, and then their visa will be withdrawn, which then leads to deportation and returning to an unstable existence,” she says.

She says that it is difficult for the women to hide their pregnancies and when they have the appointment to have the abortion done, it is also hard to explain why they are unable to work for those 24 hours that they are in hospital.

Shameful
”They are often shy and religious women, who are very unhappy and afraid of being sent home where the surroundings won’t look at them as decent girls anymore. They are embarrassed about their pregnancies,” Mette Lise Petersen says.

The pregnant Filipina women she has spoken to have very poor social conditions. They have a poor financial situation, a small social network, and they do not have their own place to live – if they give birth, they will be deported. That is why they are approved to get late abortions.

”The family in the home country can’t know about the pregnancy either. Sexuality is a tabu for them and it is difficult for them to talk about it. Often they have been too afraid to tell anyone else about their situation,” Mette Lise Petersen explains.

http://politiken.dk/indland/article1011427.ece

“Relationships with Filipina helpers are more common than realized. When I lived in Hong Kong, we had a 27 year old lovely girl living with us. Although I was always a gentleman, I caught myself enjoying seeing her in the house because she was very attractive.

Shortly after my family left for home leave for the summer, I realize she was looking at my pornography in my bedroom. We were always friendly and I teased her that she could have permission to borrow it when she wanted. Once that barrier was crossed the inevitable happened. She admitted being so horny and would just be happy to have a physical relationship with me. Within two days she was in my bed having incredible success … filipinas have to bet the best lovers in the world.

She was very discrete about our relationship and never exposed me to anyone. She pointed out four other homes on our street where the helper was sleeping with the boss. I think having sexually frustrated young single women in a home with a married man is just asking for the inevitable. The wives have no idea of the temptations that develop as these women have very little other options for sex.

This went on for a year despite my repeated attempts to bring it to a halt. I felt guilty being her boss and about the deception around my family and of course she started developing feelings even though she promised she would not. Fear of pregnancy was constant as she constantly begged for sex without a condom … I would never relent. The lure of the amazing sex would always draw me back. Finally she make some off hand comments that made my wife suspicious … I was confronted and confess. Needless to say turmoil erupted as she was kicked out of the house and it took her a year to get her life righted as I also had to work on my marriage. I always felt guilty that she suffered from this as she was a friend and lover. Our replacement helper was 53 years old and as nearly as wide as she was tall.

And now my mind is permanently wired to be attracted to filipina women!”

Men and women tend to be attracted and tempted to do such things especially if they very far from the family and partners in life, they may not admit it, of course, but it’s still there and still happening. They are just longing for some attention and love.

Many foreign men wanting to have Filipina wifes, why? Because Filipinas are sweet, caring, loving, family oriented, and hardworker, if you respect and give them love, they will give you back more.

I will share a true story, based from what I have gathered from the person involved. I had met personally this Filipina that is the main character in this story. Read carefully and understand.

Here’s how it began.

At the age of 29 she is still single, working very hard as a Domestic helper in Hongkong. Being a helper in Hongkong is a very hard work, or I may say wherever you go, if your a helper it’s really hard. Working full time in a house is very hard. If you’re staying with your employer, as long as you are not sleeping you have to serve them. Unfortunately to those helper who have a very hard employer, they can’t get food, no extra time, no extra pay, no sleep, no weekend off work, most especially they are abused.

Well luckily it doesn’t happen to Cindy. But of course she worked hard for her employer, she spent two years in Hongkong. Then she went back to the Philippines when she finished her contract. Staying in the Philippines is very hard if you don’t have a job. It’s not a kind of good for Cindy. She must have a job, or else they will starve and her body is not used if she doesn’t have work.

Decided, she went to an Internet Caffee, she searched for a job, then she found one, as an Au pair in London. It’s a good opportunity she said to herself. She contacted the family and they arranged everything. Time to fly, but it’s a kind of tough flight, she have to stop over to some country before London. Well, nothing is tough or rough if it will be a good opportunity to travel in UK and Europe.

She arrive the destination safely, her host family is waiting for her at the Airport, her job is to take care of the not so old man, and the house where he lived in. It’s quite good job and not so hard work for her.

Time passed by, she liked her job and not to mention that she is having a hidden relationship with her employer, well they are living together in the same house and the old man is alone. Her life is kind of good compared before, of course supported by her employer aside from the salary that shes gaining. But she can’t marry an old man she said.

Thinking that she will be living in three months time, she is prepared to go home. But unfortunately, she get pregnant, what a tragic. You are having sex, even if its old it can possibly make you pregnant, not thinking of that consequences, she’s shattered.

She told the old man, but he is too old to take responsibility, so they must think of a solution. In two months time she will go back home. What can they possibly do to solve the problem? It’s a very big problem.

The old man think of a possible solution. His son. She will seduced his son, the old man said. His son is divorced and has three children.

So the plan must implemented very quickly. They began to do it. The old man invited his son for a dinner and told him that he must visit him very often because he is too old to travel and visit his son and children. Not knowing the plan that the two had build, he agreed.

He often visit his father and Cindy is trying to seduce him. They dated many times. The end of their plan is coming, he seems to like Cindy and they began to have sex. Everything seems to be ok now they thought. After having sex for many times, after a month she told her that she’s pregnant. He is surprised but not shocked because he knows that it will happen as they don’t use any contraceptive. She also told him that she’s soon going back to the Philippines. So he decided that she must live with him in his own house and tell the authority that she is bearing his child, so she can stay longer. In the law one foreigner is authorized to live longer if she’s pregnant and the father will claim that it’s his child.

At last the plan had succeed. She lived with the son now. But after two months, he found out that it’s not his child, and the truth shocked him, his father is the father of the baby. What a life?!

His father explained everything, knowing that it’s also his own blood, he accepted the fact that it’s his not his child.

Now Cindy’s womb is in 6 months way, she’s still living with the son, and the father is still supporting her and the baby. Well, at least the baby saved her from going back home.

What can you say? What a life isn’t it? It’s just one of the story of a fact of life.

]]> http://myblueheart.org/filipina/a-complicated-story-of-life.html/feed 2 http://myblueheart.org/filipina/weird-male-behavior-%e2%80%93-let%e2%80%99s-decode.html http://myblueheart.org/filipina/weird-male-behavior-%e2%80%93-let%e2%80%99s-decode.html#comments Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:05:11 +0000 Blue Rose http://myblueheart.org/?p=1485 More »]]> Sometimes it’s hard to know what makes men tick. So we researched some of guy’s most baffling antics. Check out these fascinating explanations.

Why do guys play pointless games? – Stacking cans and shooting wads of paper into the trash may seem dumb to you, but he can’t help it. “Guys have a need to achieve a sense of competence, even if the skills have no purpose,” says Judy Kleinfeld, EdD, professor of psychology at the University of Alaska at Fairbanks.

Why is it that as soon as a relationship gets serious, some guys get malabo? – You’ve finally decided to be exclusive, and he suddenly starts pulling away. What the hell? Well, men in relationships often feel physically torn in two different directions. While oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is making him want to attach to a girl, the testosterone in his system is telling him to break free and maintain his independence, according to Michael Gurian, author of What Could He Be Thinking?

What do guys find so funny about fall-down, kicked-in-the-groin humor? – As a rule, people tend to laugh at things that make them uncomfortable, and for men, getting hurt is their worst nightmare. “Guys are afraid of being emasculated, so when they see it happen to someone else, like the three stooges or in Dumb and Dumber, they laugh, almost relieved it’s not them,” explains George Weinberg, PhD, author of Why Men Won’t Commit.

Why do guys spend hours surfing around on their computers or gadgets? – Call it crazy, but he actually enjoys seeing how far he can push the thing until it breaks. “Then he can have the pleasure of fixing it and learning how it works,” says Kleinfeld. “The more he explores, the greater the likelihood that he’ll find new features.” It’s a toy to him, not a functional object.

 Why do so many men seem oblivious to clutter and mess? – You might be annoyed by the piles of clothes and papers scattered all over his house, but he may not notice! “Because of biology and socialization, women feel pressure to create a warm, comforting environment,” says Weinberg. “But a man’s pride is outside of the home. His office may be pristine, but the look of his apartment is not a priority.

Why do guys respond to a long e-mail with two sentences? – You wrote an entire novel describing your day, and he responded with something like “That’s cool. Let’s do Chinese for dinner.” Annoying? Absolutely, but it’s not personal. “For most men, the purpose of communication is just to deliver information, not to connect t another person,” explains Weinberg. “If he reads a long e-mail, he’ll weed out the points he needs to address. Responding to every detail just doesn’t seem necessary to him.”

Insecurity is the one thing in common between the abuser and the abused. Abuse in an intimate relationship is an assertion of dominance by someone, who believes in the necessity of using violence, by whatever means, to censure, punish or discipline… it is a type of power tripping exerted by the male to establish superiority over the female. Eventually, the girl will come to believe that it’s her fault that’s he is being beaten.

There was a student who was also a model and her boyfriend was very jealous. “He slashed her thighs with a box-cutter so she would stop wearing miniskirts, which her boyfriend disapproved of because other guys were looking at her legs.” The girl wanted to kill herself when she confessed to her best friend, the girl broke down and admitted that it wasn’t the first time her boyfriend hurt her. “He had even set her hair on fire with lighter fluid while accusing her of being a “slut” and “prostitute” because he saw some pictures of her in Boracay with several guys he didn’t recognize.” Yet, for over a year, she put up with hid dehumanizing treatment because he threatened her with greater harm if she left him. It took the slashing incident for her to finally say, “enough is enough” and call it quits.

A new study confirms that females who have been battered are more likely to suffer from chronic depression, catch stress related illnesses, attempt suicide, and be subjected to forced sexual relations than those who were only verbally abused or emotionally neglected by their parents. Usually while the girl is being bashed and kicked, there is an accompanying barrage of cursing and disparaging criticism guys who hurt their girlfriends are often described as manipulative, jealous and domineering, which s psychologically damaging.

Danger zone

Though there are a lot of factors that may cause someone to be abusive (or be the abused), such as a history of family abuse, the influence of friends, the wrong values promoted by mass media, and living in a “macho” (and sometimes chauvinistic) society, these usually don’t completely explain it. Likewise, there is no sure way of telling whether your beloved boyfriend is a possible abuser and when he will strike, although there are danger signs that should put you on your guard.

Estella, 16, didn’t wait around for it to happen. “During a heated argument, my then-boyfriend shouted curses at me, then picked up a chair and smashed it against the wall. I got terrified. That same night, I decided to break up with him for good.” If you feel that he might (physically) hurt you, leave the relationship at once. You should learn how to trust your instinct (the little voice in your head, telling that “No, this isn’t right anymore”) or else you will find yourself like Estella.

Some young decent man says, “We don’t need to hit our girlfriends to make them behave, because just harsh, intimidation and bad words are enough,” hah! Is that so? Some of the girlfriends also say, “The infliction of pain on them, as long as it’s not overly physical is seen as a sign or proof that their boyfriends love them.”

I am shocked that some girls regard it as normal, albeit unpleasant, fact of life. The Coalition Against trafficking in Women-Asia-Pacific (CATW-AP), teaches the adolescent boys that females are not to be treated as commodities, but as human beings who are their co-equals. Meanwhile the girls must be encouraged to develop, at an early age, strong self-esteem that is based on their capabilities and character, rather than relying on what others – especially males – think about how they should behave. Girls, don’t be so stupid and naïve when it comes to love, think of it for so many times, when you think your boy has the capabilities of doing the abusive things, “better be off; than be knocked off”…OK!

It started with hard hand squeezes, with is nails digging into her skin. Anne, 21, says that her ex-boyfriend, Mark, did that whenever she said something he didn’t like, even if she did it in a very nice way. Soon, Anne’s fingers and palms were full of small, but painful wounds and bruises. She’d cover up her boyfriend’s abuse by saying that the scratches were made by her pet cat. However, not all were convinced by her act. “We had a feeling that something was wrong when Anne became sullen and withdrawn,” relates Michelle, one of Anne’s friends. “She didn’t hang out with our friends like before. Medyo nagagalit nga kami dati kasi pakiramdam namin e kinukontrol siya ni Mark; he was over possessive.” (We were a bit angry before because we felt that Mark was controlling her; he was over-possessive.) However, no one in their group asked Anne whether Mark was abusing her. “We don’t like to get in their lives, because they may think nakiki-extra kami,” Discloses Michelle, though she quickly adds that she now wished she did.

The abuse became more severe when Anne, upon finding out that Mark cheated on her, confronted him. Mark suddenly grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. “I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t breathe,” recalls Anne, tearfully. It was obvious from her demeanor during the interview that she hadn’t fully recovered from the trauma, which happened nearly two years ago. Mark only released her when another student heard her frantic cries and rushed into the classroom to help her. Though she initially considered filling charges against Mark with their campus disciplinary office, she decided not to because she didn’t wan to make the incident public. Today, though they have both graduated from college, Anne is still distressed. “I don’t want to see Mark again, or be reminded of him because I always remember what he did to me. I am so bitter that he made me emotional cripple. I now have a hard time trusting others – what more get into a new relationship.”

The Stigma of the Abused

According to the Philippine Republic Act Number 9262, or “An Act Defining Violence Against Women and Their Children” (VAWC) includes girlfriend abuse in its definition of “Violence against Women,” which refers to “Any act or a series of acts committed by any person has or had a sexual or dating relationship, which result in or is likely to result in physical, sexual, psychological harm or suffering, or economic abuse, including threats of such acts, battery, assault, coercion, harassment or arbitrary deprivation of liberty.”

According to Amparita Sta.Maria, a lawyer and the director for the Women’s Desk of the Ateneo Human Rights center and a professor of Gender and the Law in the same school, even though the VACW is a recently implemented legal remedy, she concedes that cases are very much underreported. “Disempowerment of women is widespread,” she laments. “In a conservative patriarchal culture like ours, abuse in the context of a relationship is still deemed by many to be a private matter or a domestic issue. Those who are informed of the abuse, and even some authorities, may dissuade a woman from pushing through with her complaint. A victim may also choose to remain anonymous for fear that her abuser will get back at her.”

“There are several reasons why girlfriends who have been abused by their partners are reluctant to speak out,” theorizes Dr. John Sanchez, a psychiatrist who specializes in juvenile development. “Among them is the stigma attached to it although it may be true that the victim often has a dependent, needy type of personality, many girls understandably do not want to be branded as such because insensitive people might pre-judge them, saying na sinasaktan sila kasi pinapayagan nila and sarili nilang abusuhin (they are being abused because they are letting themselves to be abused). The blame is shifted to them when in the first place, violence should never be inflicted upon anybody, whatever her personality.” 

Did u learn something girls? Well if you do, then I think it’s time to change the abusive part. But it’s not trough yet, I still have part two of the story, read more and learn more, catch up for the next post.

You’re comments and suggestions are gratefully accepted.

But then something changed their life, from riches to rags. How can they live? How can they cope up?

1^st Story: Once Upon a Princess

Think haciendera with sugar, coffee plantations, farms, vast of lands with workers, and a mestiza class. Stephanie, though illegitimate, lived like a don’s daughter – born with a house in Forbes Park, multiple Cadillac’s, and a Brent – School education. “We had relatives in high places, and my dad was the one who took care of the clan’s much business.”

Unfortunately, her family’s business transactions with the government went awry. Her dad, a womanizer who partied hard, was also too lax with his family’s money, loaning huge amounts to cousins (which never got paid). “We are losing money, while our relatives got wealthier.”

“We had to move to a shabby, poorly constructed house. Suddenly, the maids were gone, the luxury trips disappeared, and only one old car was left in the garage.”

Stephanie passed the entrance exam at one of the top universities in the country, but couldn’t afford the tuition fee. She ended up in a junior college in the province, which also became too expensive. So she went back to Manila to continue her studies at a so-so college. Without a part-time job, he had to literally beg her older half-siblings in the US and her dad’s rich friends to lend her some money for school. “Kinain ko talaga pride ko (I really eat my pride). I had to sweat blood and work hard for the things I needed. Pahirapan’ ang paghingi ng pera (asking and begging for money become so hard).”

Stephanie recalls a loving and generous dad from his childhood. But he no longer has that now. Her dad would always remind him to study and work hard for the sake of her younger siblings. “I was scared of failure. I didn’t want to disappoint my dad. I’d often find myself crying whenever I’d do something that seemed to embarrass him, like not passing the entrance exam of one university. I did everything he wanted, but all I ever got from him were accusations of selfishness and scorn.”

“Once, I couldn’t take the humiliation anymore – people talking about what happened to our family, begging from relatives, the hard life – so I found myself in tears. Before, some people would snub me because I’m a bastard girl; now, they snub me because I’m a poor bastard. My life now is a far cry from my childhood. Back then, I had helpers who spoke English, a chopper that fetched me from Brent, and plans for a US college education.”

I try to cope by forgetting I was once wealthy. Even if I still try to keep that air of aristocracy, I don’t live beyond my means. I never get to pursue the course I wanted because the pressure to excel was so great – but the thought of my rich, smug relatives keeps me going. Actually, I’m really worrying about the future of my younger siblings that pushes me to not waste my time thinking about my old life.”

2^nd Story: Poor Little Rich Kid

Andrew had no dad, but his highly successful, workaholic mom made up for it by giving him everything he asked for. In short, what Andrew wanted, Andrew got. “Ako ang boss dati (I’m the boss before).”

Two years ago, Andrew’s mom died in a plane crash. Unfortunately, Andrew would only have access to his trust fund when he turned 21. “I have access to some of the money, but these funds have been blocked by my aunt.”

Andrew rented a condo unit after his mom died, but couldn’t pay the rent. He also tried his hand at various types of business, but everything fell through. So he had to live with relatives. However, because of his bossy, “rich” attitude, he was turned away from every house he tried to stay in. the little money he had was wasted on drugs. “But I’ve stopped already.”

His cell phone, musical instruments, and computer were sold to make ends meet. Though he wasn’t made to pay the bills, he also couldn’t take the “poor lifestyle.” “I really tried to live a simple life, but having grown up with everything. I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with my life as a penniless guy.”

He had only one possession left – his car. Andrew put college on hold for two years. When he felt it was time to go back, he decided to sell his car to have money for tuition. “My car was like my home. But if I was to make something of myself until I got my trust fund, then I had to go back to school. The money from selling the car won’t see me through college. But I’ll handle that problem when it arises.”

“Even if I have girlfriends and relatives, I still feel alone. Before, it was my mom and me against the world. Now, it’s just me against everyone. I can’t say I’ve adjusted to having no money. I’m just so full of pain and anger. Kung buhay ang mommy ko, hindi mangyayari ‘to! (If my mom was alive, this will never happen!) Kapag nakikitira ka, its important na makisama ka. (If you’re not living in your own house, like relatives, it’s important that you get along with them.) I couldn’t hack it, so I moved out. Now, I’m living my life on my own.”

 You can also share your story with us, it’s never a shame full move to tell people of what you are before, and instead you give them inspiration, people who had experiences like you, may get lots of lesson from your story.

I have seen this news from Washington city paper, written by Amanda Hess, something odd but a bit funny for me. Want to view it?

Click this link to view:

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/08/25/shark-with-a-shark-penis-in-its-mouth-video-corner/