By Loving Asya on Tuesday, 28 of July , 2009 at 12:55 am
Here, across the room, I sprawl stiffly on some chair in front of him. Wondering if he has the slightest idea of my leaving.
Three months before I pack my bags, getting ready to be away from home, away from the one I used to waking up each morning, away from him, finally. A part of me is quite excited at the turning yet for the most part, cringing from sadness.
Slumped on the couch, eyes squeezed shut, his thin lips (like mine) protruding and the familiar constant involuntary movement of his fingers on both hands and feet as he tried to lull himself to sleep- I will never forget. Though it would seem as if he’s scrambling to yank tragic thoughts off his mind. He looks, as always, tired. And sad as ever.
It’s hard to see him this way. even harder when eventually I would have to let him know. Like how difficult it would be, as helpless as you are, to release someone from your grip after years of almost solely dwelling on the fact that the person will always be there. Especially if it has some rapport to your system. akin to your nature and whole being. Especially if it was your daughter. The one person who gives a glimmer of hope and somehow, light, for your existence. Or so I strongly thought.
His eyes are wildly open now, agitated by the noise of street children still singing caroling songs even if it is no longer Christmas. His eyes flicker on and off at its first opening, dazed by the light. He finally stands and sprinted toward the door, my prying eyes still following, so gracefully… and easily. I wished fervently it’s that easy, too.
By Loving Asya on Monday, 27 of July , 2009 at 5:53 am
“You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you’re both breathless…they crash…they hit the rooftop…you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they’ll fly. Finally, they are airborne.” – EB
I was in a road trip for Malolos, Bulacan last week. For months of living in the hustle and bustle of Metro Manila, I suddenly felt joy of having the wide, vast expanse of green land from my window. The trip only took an hour but I had happy moments of reminiscing my childhood and my province in the south resembling to the province of Bulacan.
As I was peeping through my window sitting in the bus, I saw a little girl trying to make her kite fly. She was running in the field with her right arm clinging to a string attached to a newspaper and few fragile sticks, she was running along with the wind. Her image made me smile as I have been like her when I was still in grade school.
Under the scorching heat of the sun, or in the late afternoon with other kids my age, together we would run the whole day during summer. With sweating brows and back we don’t mind as long as we made our kites fly.
I have consumed a lot of paste, newspapers, sticks and threads though. My mother would even have to hide her sewing box of fear I might ransack again and again her collection of threads for mending clothes. But that did not deter me. I saved up some of my allowance to buy a roll of strong thread.
I have consumed a lot of materials before I made my first kite – a perfect kite, balanced in weight and can surely fly. A kite that can withstand the strong wind, stay easy in the atmosphere, gliding at my control and returns with me when I come home.
I have always been full of hope when making my kites. I was hopeful that the one I am making would fly, if not today, perhaps tomorrow after analyzing and fixing its flaws. My friends had the biggest kite, the most colorful and most beautiful. Jungjung had a butterfly-like kite, Rey had the sharpest tip that could ravage other kites in the air, and the Sta. Maria’s had the longest tail. Well, they had their fathers who made it. While I have the simplest kite of all, but I am mighty proud that it is mine for I made it myself. The one I took hardships on making it.
Cut here. Paste it there. Wrap some rubber band here and there. Attach some string here and there and hoping it will fly.
Thank God, I did not graduate from grade school without ever learning how to make a kite of good materials and make it fly. Just as I have believed, I have learned something valuable through the kite.
By Loving Asya on Monday, 20 of July , 2009 at 4:31 am
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If you are in a long distance relationship, read on…
If you will ask me if long distance relationships work, it depends. Not that I’m playing safe or anything. I’ll speak first in general. Most of our beliefs are based on what suits our personality and situation and it also depends on our needs. I can speak only for myself, but for other people, they have their own opionion on this. There are some people who don’t believe in LDR for obvious reasons. Some people could not stand the distance. And again, it boils down to their personality and needs. They need physical connection with their partners. Not necessarily making love, but usually in a relationship we feel that certain urge to always see our partners, to be able to touch them, to feel their affection and attention through physical presence. For some people not all relationships are based on feelings. So I guess the question should be “CAN YOU HANDLE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP?” Kasi kahit may statistics pa at mga survey about this certain topic, still, depende yan dun sa dalawang taong involved. (Because even though there is a statistics that says about this topic, still long distance relationship depends on the two people involved in it).
To relate it to my situation, like early this morning a friend of mine asked me how do I and my gf manage. First of all, I’m not a believer of LDR. Just like everyone’s reason of it, Gaya ng reason ng iba, ganun din ako. Same with my gf, hindi rin sya naniniwala sa LDR. So bakit ko ‘to pinasok? I hate what if’s. I used to believe that long distance relationships are like time bombs. It’ll explode anytime. There is an expiration date, a finish line. So in short…waste of time. This is actually the first time that I went against my own belief. But I succumbed to my situation kasi for me mas waste of time yung at least one minute everyday nagwowonder ka (because for me it is a waste of time if I’ll wonder for the rest of my life thinking what could have been only if I tried it) what could have been if you tried it.
Having to choose between emotional relationship and physical relationship, I’ll choose emotional relationship in a snap. It would be better if you have both pero kung isa lang ang pipiliin (but if I were to choose), I’ll choose the one which is more meaningful. I don’t know about other people who are in LDR if they feel the same way as I do, but for me it’s like this: I’m loving my gf both in faith and in fate. Faith that despite the uncertainty I know something good will come out of this and fate knowing she crashed into my world for a reason. What I hold on to isn’t just because of LOVE, I’m hanging on to that HOPE that one day we can be physically together every time we want , as in inseparable by proximity. I don’t need other people to gauge whether what we have is real or not, because for me it is. She became my reality. We may not see each other as often as we want, but I trust her heart and what we have.
How do we cope? We always go back to where we started and that’s all we need to remind ourselves why we are together in the first place. Of course, as a couple we’re far from being perfect. But if you both trust how you feel and what you have, distance may not be an issue. Sa lahat ng relationships, most of the time what you guys need lang to make things work is to COMPROMISE. (In most relationships, what we all need is just to compromise).
About other issues like cheating, temptations, growing out of the relationship blah blah blah……again, if you respect and trust your partner well enough, DISTANCE MAY NOT BE AN ISSUE. As an individual, just do your part. If you are in a long distance relationship, pinasok mo na rin lang yan, mahalin mo na (you succumbed to it, then by all means, love her infintely… whatever it takes), don’t hold back. As a couple, kung ang mga magkakalapit nga binabagyo ng problema (come to think of it, even those lovers who are together still face the turmoils of loving), what made you any different? Whether LDR or not, it still is a relationship. If you survive all of it, then you deserve to be together. If not, then you can’t push it. Whatever happens, happens.
To everyone who can relate:
TAKE A STEP AND JUST TRUST WHAT LIES AHEAD.
By Loving Asya on Wednesday, 1 of July , 2009 at 11:37 am
butches in basketball outfit
Yes! A thought on that, I have noticed that straight girls would suddenly turn gay then date a butch.
But what is a butch? Isn’t a butch a female who looks like a male, tries to dress like a male (as humanly possible) no offense to the butches out there… and I know butches would like to be referred to as men.
To really sink in the thought, it’s just a guy with a pussy.
And what if they had a surgery and replaced their pussy with penis…
doesn’t it make them males and their girlfriends straight?
A number of girls who like butches of course are bisexual, meaning they could easily go back to men as they please and these girls won’t date a femme. So what does it really say? Are they not really gay since the person they’re dating is really just another man but with a pussy attached?
Is there a butch to butch relationship?
If what’s outside does not matter then there should be a lot of happy people and any advertisements for vanity and beauty be gone forever, fashion trends and shows will be nothing but a thing of the past, I know a woman is a woman, but do u go over to a butch and say “hey woman lovely tits!” no the proper way as it should be “hey there handsome…” Most of the time, they would like to be treated as guys, aren’t they dressing/acting like men cuz of course there might be a sort of obsession, if there wasn’t we would all be femmes! We dress to what we aspire to correct? Dress slutty maybe the person wants to be a prostitute. I am not against the butch lesbians, I have a lot of butch friends, and I have never asked them if they were ever attracted to another butch. Just like guys these butches would think another butch to be a competition… comfortable dressed as a man then? I could perhaps believe that they maybe men trapped in a woman’s body.
Don’t some butches take male hormones? Cut off their breasts? And replace their genitals?? I am a lesbian and I am comfortable with my skin, I don’t need another genital to make me feel better about myself. There is this issue my friend told me, she’s a butch and she doesn’t let her femme girl friend touch her body or genitals or anywhere for that matter when their having sex. Shall I say a one way sex? So I thought of a thing… date a butch and treat her as a lady… all the lady things. I wonder how it will turn out. I like hanging out with my butch friends and I feel like I’m with guys when I’m with them. Sometimes they’re manlier than other guys. I have encountered a friend who actually dated a lesbian because she seemed to have given up on men for treating her like crap, and she has a taste for butches. I thought it was a cry for desperation… but i don’t know. I also don’t know if she was happier since she told me life was a little bit harder. I never said it was easy…
Now I think she’s in some dyke drama. Isn’t the essence of a woman to exist and reproduce to save mankind, but we all know that is not appropriate anymore, there are so darn many of us now. Human beings since the beginning of time are promiscuous if they’re not, we would have been extinct. Does a butch see herself as a bearing mother (I would like to exclude the pregnant man/butch here, since she’s/he’s one in a gazillion, [I don't even know what to refer to as!])
And I personally don’t want to date a straight girl-turned gay girl cuz everything will be new to her and I don’t want to teach. I want someone who already knows what she’s dealing with.
By Loving Asya on Monday, 29 of June , 2009 at 11:51 am
what do the nipples want to say?
Got this from a friend via email. it’s funny it deserves a repost. just for that Braille thing, man, I swear hehehe. I knew those spots were for something great! hahahahaha.
Man, I am so gay! And so horny! Hahaha!
————————–
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It’s Braille for ’suck here’.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under.’
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN
THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN’S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
By Loving Asya on Thursday, 25 of June , 2009 at 7:33 am
The worst pizzas in the universe are apparently, just around the corner. Together with the wingless birds, skinless snakes, legless spiders and toothless bears. Maybe the world isn’t built for deep diving, but if we don’t give it a chance nothing will come of nothing, as Old King Lear said.
The universe is both beautiful and grotesque. i can spend a lifetime glaring back at the sun… or i can turn my back, get a shawl, or a cap, or sunglasses, or look for the nearest tree, or do a million other things instead. What I can’t change i will not touch; what I can touch i will try my best to change. For the good. Maybe.
The key word is ‘try’.
By Loving Asya on Thursday, 25 of June , 2009 at 1:10 am
Watched a dog take a dump, just outside my bedroom window. mutated, ugly, r e a l. i watched and puffed. watched and exhaled. watched and put everything on repeat.
Everywhere i go there were ashtrays in her room. It was comforting to know that each move i made is compensated. Each breath, each inhale, exhale, puff, no magic dragons here. Just plain old cancer sticks. They save me. They rape me, but i love them anyway.
So many things to love. so many things tragic, sad, cruel, like watching something die in your mind. Sudden, yet subtle, so is the pain. Pleasure, everything is blurred when your brain is on god mode. Even the most perfect tragedies.
I write in a notepad. I hate word. I write in a notepad. I hate precision. sometimes, a l l t h e t i m e. which is why i hit the pedals so hard, use up most of the gas. then i step on the brakes. sudden, yet subtle. like the pain. the pleasure. and everything else in between.
If you listen hard enough, you hear it. you hear the sound of n o t h i n g. and n o t h i n g becomes something else all together. it becomes e v e r y t h i n g, and your universe is turned upside down. N o t h i n g suddenly makes sense, which makes n o t h i n g sensible. meaningful. significant. and this sets things off balance.
I watched the world take a dump, just outside my bedroom window. mutated, ugly, r e a l. i watched and puffed. i watched and exhaled. i watched and put everything on repeat— the only thing i could ever do. w a t c h.
Because i never learn. and yeah, i smell a coming breakup again.
By Loving Asya on Wednesday, 24 of June , 2009 at 9:45 am
I feel like no one has ever encountered real beauty and was able to describe in details what it looked or tasted like… its sound, smell, how it felt.. i think that when you finally come across one you experience all sorts of emotions, all at once. and it feels like all of your senses are amplified– as if every sight, taste, sound, smell or touch is more than enough to overwhelm you. and you know that you are actually experiencing it when you feel like you are being ripped apart and reconstructed at the same time by its mere intensity. So intense, so raw, that you just can’t help but cry in silence. because maybe the tears are in a way, describing the indescribable, explaining the inexplicable, and expressing the inexpressible to the rest of the world.
And watching my reflection, i just get that sticky warm feeling of wondering how much pesos i need to save and squander it in the end to Dra. Belo’s beauty medical group. <grinning>. i wonder how much offense it will make to my inner self just to diminish external distortion, errr, unprettiness (there, I just created a new adjective). perhaps even diminishing the natural splendor i have hidden in my 20 years or so of existence. i have hidden it like a secret, the kind that Indiana Jones must have kept a treasure map, or the kind the jail wardens wouldn’t let escape, Guantanamo-prison-guarded. and just like anyone else with eating disorders, i seize an 18-inch pizza smothered with all kinds of cheese, dab my mouth with a napkin, and gloss my lips. maybe, i’m born with it. maybe, it’s Maybelline.
